social vs. self acceptance

My last post was about women’s problem with insecurity. I cannot count the number of times I've envied a girl who, by social standards, is considerably less attractive than me. Jealous of the person she is and how attractive and fierce she is as a person, not a piece of art. In a social crowd she speaks with confidence as if what people think of her doesn't even cross her mind. I on the other hand, would find myself too shy to talk at all in fear of not sounding like her.

The reason for this is because it doesn’t take any work to be physically beautiful. We do not work for the genetic match ups that create the physical features we are given. When someone tells you you’re beautiful, you say “Thank you”. Why? You didn’t do anything.  Thank your genes. Thank your parents for choosing each other and blending nice traits to create your look.  If you skin color or face shape is more attractive than most that is something you can’t control.  It was a lucky roll that landed in the right combination to make you pretty. It’s like a friend with excellent fashion expertise buying you an outfit. Everyone will compliment you on your taste. You take the compliment but you didn’t earn it. They are complimenting your friend’s style. You are just wearing it.

So as I stand next to the girl who will never have my fortunate genetic makeup, if you asked anyone they would say that the feelings of envy and jealousy must be hers of me. But she is happy. She is confident and for that reason lives a better life and that is something to be jealous of. We place so much emphasis on beauty that when women are looking for happiness they contort their bodies and mask their faces to become “beautiful” because they are unhappy. Being beautiful will make them happy because all of these beautiful women are happy.

You sure?

So why am I standing next to this girl ashamed that I am not more like her. Because When people look at me they don’t see me. They see a pretty picture and so they have set a standard for me to meet. but have I met that standard for myself? Am I happy with myself? No. But she is. She is proud of who she is. All those annoying cliché quotes fall into perspective for me as I look in the mirror and wonder why I’m not beaming with confidence. The ONLY way to be happy is to love yourself first. This is beyond easier said than done. A lot of women won’t ever reach this point of self-respect and these are the women who feed themselves to the dogs of men out there to feel beautiful. Because of course being beautiful makes you happy. And these men wanting you means you’re beautiful.

I’ve always had a relatively good head on my shoulders but I was a teenage girl. And I put everything before myself. Boys, beauty, acceptance, I never stopped to try and figure out why I was unhappy. At a point I didn’t even realize I was. Until I hit an all-time low. I had no self-worth. And I realized one day that everything I was doing to make myself happy was making me unhappy. I stopped settling for being treated like anything less than gold. Even if I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I worked harder and I earned a sense of fulfillment. I sacrificed temporary pleasers for future success and I changed the way I looked at being happy. Even if something was hard and made me sad or lonely now, I did it because I cared about myself. I made sacrifices because I knew they would be good for me in the long run. I was taking care of me. I was proud of myself and all of a sudden, I was happy. I didn’t care what I looked like because I was proud of the person that I was. That is when you reached the standard for yourself and you feel like you deserved the beauty that you were blessed with or when you realize the lack thereof doesn’t matter. And other people will realize that just being around you. This is why the girl didn’t look at me with envy. She didn’t need to she was beautiful. Not physical material that was incasing who she was, but her. And it emanated. And that is more attractive than anything.

Men are dogs. Who's training them?

Women, as a species, thrive off of attention. That is a fact. Any attention is acknowledgement and acknowledgement is flattering. You can act repulsed by the creep ball slobbering all over you at the bar, but the fact is without him you would feel inadequate. If you were to walk into said bar and were not harassed by the inebriated swine spewing testosterone, the first reacton would not be relief but perplexity. Every time we roll our eyes in disgust at those desperate simple minded creatures that are men, it's just reassurance that we are worth the attention.. In short: We're f***ed up.

         The problem with this, aside from the obvious, is that because of the need to feel secure we start to use men as tolkens of addequacy and dismiss the fact that they are humans with feelings and debateable intellectual capacity.

       This is the reason "nice guys finish last". When we are doted on and treated the way every woman claims to deserve to be treated, we are given the reassurance. Once that happens, another tolken is gained and we no longer need the attention of that man. so like the rest of the respectable, good, rare breed of men, we kick them to the curb and leave them wondering what is wrong with them, while we venture on to pursue the tool bags who will never give us the attention we want to be reassured. Why would they need to? They have  constant flow of beautiful, insecure women pining after them with the dream of being the one to tie them down: The ultimate tolken of adequacy. 

      The cycle is vicious and the underlying problem is the disease of insecurity plaguing women and the most destructive yet most ignored side affect is that we are slowly destroying all of the men that we claim are "no where to be found". but the they can't be found. atleast until we are secure enough to take them from the curb where we left them and accept the love and respect they have to give because we have already found adequacy in ourselves.